Tuesday, May 18, 2010 | 11:07 AM
beasty
"where got time to emo?" I always tell myself this. I always feel so trapped. Like I have this love-hate relationship with myself. sometimes I question myself why do I do what I do, why do I put myself under fire, under some much toil. doing things that is anti-thesis of myself, despite my heart feels otherwise, I kept telling myself to keep going. keep walking. keep pressing. keep fixing my eye at the goal.many a times and lately especially I feel that I have overstayed my welcome on earth and its time to go home. I feel as the days go by, I feel very alienated. Like those souls meet but not very connected. what you see is the persona that is carried, but you dun see the shadow behind the personality.
somethings I do it on purpose, to evoke a certain response. which is something I dun like of myself. the manipulative side of me. there is this process hidden inside of me that automatically reads and strips people into fibers and I immediately go into an analyzing mode. studies every movement. every comment. every breathe. that the moment you are within the range where my senses can pick up. i can identify you before I even see you. I can hear your heart beat. I can sense your mood. I remember your scent. I recognize your voice, sore or well, cracked or coarse. I know you inside out. outside in.
yet. I boxed up that part of me into that compartment at somewhere in my memory bank. to safeguard and let it not escape.
a word to describe - animalism. a fearless monster that has little or no sense of humanity. no sense of its doing. that I need to subdue it, otherwise the consequence of being loose and letting my guard down is an unprecedented chain of reaction that can spin out of control.
but this is history. history that belongs to the old self. yet not forgetting the old self. a new self is reborn and maturing into a young self. a youthfulness that i comes from our relationship with my heavenly Father.
"Balance comes with our relationship with God." once said by a great man of God who has gone before his team, before those who came before and after him. His last moment, I was there throughout. no words can describe the joy to hear news of speedy recovery and the devastation of looking at a monitor that spells out uncertainty and eventually wrote an ending of a most endeared friend. brother. son in the house.
I can say.. I am most honored to be once his leader, his friend, his brother, his guardian and his funeral planner.
But God knows His timing more than we do. He knows that it is better for me not to see the closing chapter, conspire a situation that forced me to choose the logical approach to life. to make it for my exam, and not for his burial. That beast within me was shaking off the shackles, was violently manifesting and howling to run wild.
So much so that I needed to silent that beast. BAM BAM BAM!
reloaded the rifle. BAM BAM BAM.
reloaded the rifle again. BAM BAM BAM.
reloaded the rifle for the third time. BAM.
the beast was not recognizable. flesh and bone are as one. life is back to normal. definitely with less weight.