History December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010

"where got time to emo?" I always tell myself this. I always feel so trapped. Like I have this love-hate relationship with myself. sometimes I question myself why do I do what I do, why do I put myself under fire, under some much toil. doing things that is anti-thesis of myself, despite my heart feels otherwise, I kept telling myself to keep going. keep walking. keep pressing. keep fixing my eye at the goal.

many a times and lately especially I feel that I have overstayed my welcome on earth and its time to go home. I feel as the days go by, I feel very alienated. Like those souls meet but not very connected. what you see is the persona that is carried, but you dun see the shadow behind the personality.

somethings I do it on purpose, to evoke a certain response. which is something I dun like of myself. the manipulative side of me. there is this process hidden inside of me that automatically reads and strips people into fibers and I immediately go into an analyzing mode. studies every movement. every comment. every breathe. that the moment you are within the range where my senses can pick up. i can identify you before I even see you. I can hear your heart beat. I can sense your mood. I remember your scent. I recognize your voice, sore or well, cracked or coarse. I know you inside out. outside in.

yet. I boxed up that part of me into that compartment at somewhere in my memory bank. to safeguard and let it not escape.

a word to describe - animalism. a fearless monster that has little or no sense of humanity. no sense of its doing. that I need to subdue it, otherwise the consequence of being loose and letting my guard down is an unprecedented chain of reaction that can spin out of control.

but this is history. history that belongs to the old self. yet not forgetting the old self. a new self is reborn and maturing into a young self. a youthfulness that i comes from our relationship with my heavenly Father.

"Balance comes with our relationship with God." once said by a great man of God who has gone before his team, before those who came before and after him. His last moment, I was there throughout. no words can describe the joy to hear news of speedy recovery and the devastation of looking at a monitor that spells out uncertainty and eventually wrote an ending of a most endeared friend. brother. son in the house.

I can say.. I am most honored to be once his leader, his friend, his brother, his guardian and his funeral planner.

But God knows His timing more than we do. He knows that it is better for me not to see the closing chapter, conspire a situation that forced me to choose the logical approach to life. to make it for my exam, and not for his burial. That beast within me was shaking off the shackles, was violently manifesting and howling to run wild.

So much so that I needed to silent that beast. BAM BAM BAM!

reloaded the rifle. BAM BAM BAM.
reloaded the rifle again. BAM BAM BAM.
reloaded the rifle for the third time. BAM.

the beast was not recognizable. flesh and bone are as one. life is back to normal. definitely with less weight. Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lead not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your path.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Comfort that comes with His word. it never fails.

Focus on souls. Focus on growth. Focus on excellence. Focus on love.

Life. Alive to dive.
To find the ice
To break the rage
Beneath the age not the kind of conclusion I have in mind.

turning 22 and looking 18. life doesn't seem like how i expected it to be. i really wonder what went wrong. what is it that i didn't do or did do tt things do not turn out as expected. maybe I am too idealistic. too naive. too wishful-thinking. too much. I can expect all that I want, but if it doesn't happen. it doesn't happen.

what I am feeling is a bottled up emotions of rage and disappointment. rage at the way turned out to be. disappointed at the way turned out not to be. I feel that though the world is spinning but things never progress. it just falls flat.

I used to like to talk alot, but now i detest it so not to squander it. I have this love-hate relationship with everything around me. I love it, yet at the same time I hate it. technically is everything but emotionally is just one thing - myself.

I love and I hate myself at the same time. I really tried to love as much, but consequently it has reverse effects on me.

I guess self-centered is the word to describe. it is like a monster that I keep fighting year after year after year. n i keeps coming back again and again. n that's my life as a sanguine that my world is my world.

but i know.. i need to consciously force myself to be God-centered. to put God first. to pray. to fast often. to go the extra mile to safeguard myself. especially at time when I feel nothing good is coming out of me, n alot of times.. i look down on myself tt I need to look up to God to constantly remind myself who has called me to be. a number 2. never a number 1. a 'behind the scene'. a ghost in the closet. whatever u can name it.

tired? yes. drained? yes. emotionally challenged? yes. give up? no.

well. used to life as it is. I like to ask people... "so how would u describe me?" an awkward pause and silence. as always n I would laugh often abt it. to mask it.

n that every well sums up who I am - an awkward silence. God and others in front. me at the back.

happy? happy. satisfied? satisfied.

cycle 2 is here. time to move on. focus n run. my dearest elaine aka OB groupmate dropped a nice encouraging facebook mail to encourage me.. and I realised I haven't be blogging at all.

oh well. life is as usual. I forgot how my neighbourhood sounded like and felt like as the sunset. life's good. life's stress. life's bad. life's an enjoyment. in short, I love life despite of all the dramas going on. a little is nice but too much of it, I will need a break.

time to time, I will go to my prayer closet and look for my best friend. to talk abt stuff. have a crazy imaginative session and tonnes of laughter. I like God. He's balance. Like not too silent nor too loud. not too boring nor too colourful. not too serious nor too frivolous. just simply Himself.

oh well. daily I think of people and what's going on with their lives. It makes me want to tell them, "though life really suck big time, but things will get better" *with a smile*

well. 3 more weeks to end of cycle 1. hoping for the best. praying for a breakthrough :D thinking for a great future to come :) not long ago. Pastor sat me down and went thru a list of things to encourage me. And listening to the things that she mentioned, tear starts to swell and my heart soften.

2009 wasn't a easy year for me. I felt like my dream was like a bubble that burst into thin air when I missed important deadline for my uni application and I realised that I didn't manage to get a placing in local uni. I was really discouraged after so many years of trying and waiting. eventually I didn't get to where I wanted. But circumstances in life, cornered me to make a choice to be happy, to be positive and to be ready to shoulder on responsibilities that noone, not even myself, believe that I can survive the pressure and demands to make it possible.

to see thru the renovation of church. my second new home.

the hot afternoons of meeting agents to view places after places, the early mornings of queuing for building plans, the evening rush to submit application before the office called it a day, the late night to skim thru the coordination of contractors.

day after day, you sleep thinking about the next day and you wake up thinking about the day before. I would say, tt I lost track of time as the days pass.

And I will go to God, to tell Him about everything tt bothered me. my inabilities. my failures. my inexperience. I tell him how much I want to let go as the days go by. But faced with wave after wave of setbacks, I decided to lie by the beach, cling on the sand as the waves punched me on my face, my conscious and my spirit.

I felt tt I am going to lose it all.

But I held on to what I decided in the beginning: "I will never let go, even if I lose everything. because I trust You Lord."

Sometimes, I regret some prayers I made. as prayers are the keys to unlock the doors in our lives. But it will be even a great regret that I never opens those doors, because "unless you are tested, you wouldn't know where you stand - in the fence, on the fence or out of the fence."

But trial and testing has its season. after each season, you come out stronger, better and greater.

And 2010 is gonna be a great year. And I just want to live life well. to live a livable life. Its the beginning of something great that's gonna happen. And the difference between last year and this year, I am gonna be more discipline. And that's an anti-thesis of who I am, but I am gonna try.

1 year. 4 cycles. 240 days of hardwork. working hard is like totally not me. but I didn't set out to me, but to be my Creator. 240 days. I believe it can be done. my pastor. she is the most amazing person in the world.

one word to describe her: unbelievable :D

thank you pastor for planning the retreat. 2010 is gonna be an awesome yeah. alright. nowadays there's this lovey dovey atmosphere going around. like every song that i come across, every tv show that i switch to is about love. romance. endearment.

even my dreams. I dreamt of her not just once but a few times, like 5.. i think. the content is explicit, not suitable for underage. only for mature audience only. hahaha. but nevertheless. I'm not gonna be taken back by it. like what my good friend told me, " u had too much MSG the night before, that's why yr brain's playing a fool." oh well.

i'm gonna stay on course. get things done. work things out. have a good vision and goal to accomplish this season. the stretching period is still ongoing. I can feel the drag kicking in, but gonna be enthusiastically receiving it.

I'm just thinking. if I honor my vow, God gonna honor what comes after that vow yeah?

Maybe that's why I feel like I'm under alot of fire and pressure. to get the gist of myself out asap. well. still got one more year to go. I have already burnt the bridge and there's no turning back. I got to move forward and march off. I have the plans, but He has the route to the end.

Sacrifice is nothing without feeling the pain. its gonna gain :D I love my life because got Jesus as my partner. today slept little and woke up early to head down to church. its been a great year building church with an awesome team of leaders. dedicated and committed. never bow down to challenges and difficulties they face. even though we are walking towards the same goal and aim, but our lives are very distinct. not a single one of us has the same set of trials we need to pass through. but yet we have the same heart. the same desire. the same passion.

Here is where my inner world hides & lies


Biodata: Male 55kg
Birthday: 24 March
Love: God. Revival Nation. Ushers Ministry. Children Church. Hangouts w friends. a good Laughter.
Hate: dead still Silent. playing Com games. watching Boring sitcoms. do nothing & Waste time.
Dream: to be part of something Great. to see lives change one @ a time. to be Riche Rich.

"where got time to emo?" I always tell myself this. I always feel so trapped. Like I have this love-hate relationship with myself. sometimes I question myself why do I do what I do, why do I put myself under fire, under some much toil. doing things that is anti-thesis of myself, despite my heart feels otherwise, I kept telling myself to keep going. keep walking. keep pressing. keep fixing my eye at the goal.

many a times and lately especially I feel that I have overstayed my welcome on earth and its time to go home. I feel as the days go by, I feel very alienated. Like those souls meet but not very connected. what you see is the persona that is carried, but you dun see the shadow behind the personality.

somethings I do it on purpose, to evoke a certain response. which is something I dun like of myself. the manipulative side of me. there is this process hidden inside of me that automatically reads and strips people into fibers and I immediately go into an analyzing mode. studies every movement. every comment. every breathe. that the moment you are within the range where my senses can pick up. i can identify you before I even see you. I can hear your heart beat. I can sense your mood. I remember your scent. I recognize your voice, sore or well, cracked or coarse. I know you inside out. outside in.

yet. I boxed up that part of me into that compartment at somewhere in my memory bank. to safeguard and let it not escape.

a word to describe - animalism. a fearless monster that has little or no sense of humanity. no sense of its doing. that I need to subdue it, otherwise the consequence of being loose and letting my guard down is an unprecedented chain of reaction that can spin out of control.

but this is history. history that belongs to the old self. yet not forgetting the old self. a new self is reborn and maturing into a young self. a youthfulness that i comes from our relationship with my heavenly Father.

"Balance comes with our relationship with God." once said by a great man of God who has gone before his team, before those who came before and after him. His last moment, I was there throughout. no words can describe the joy to hear news of speedy recovery and the devastation of looking at a monitor that spells out uncertainty and eventually wrote an ending of a most endeared friend. brother. son in the house.

I can say.. I am most honored to be once his leader, his friend, his brother, his guardian and his funeral planner.

But God knows His timing more than we do. He knows that it is better for me not to see the closing chapter, conspire a situation that forced me to choose the logical approach to life. to make it for my exam, and not for his burial. That beast within me was shaking off the shackles, was violently manifesting and howling to run wild.

So much so that I needed to silent that beast. BAM BAM BAM!

reloaded the rifle. BAM BAM BAM.
reloaded the rifle again. BAM BAM BAM.
reloaded the rifle for the third time. BAM.

the beast was not recognizable. flesh and bone are as one. life is back to normal. definitely with less weight.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lead not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your path.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Comfort that comes with His word. it never fails.

Focus on souls. Focus on growth. Focus on excellence. Focus on love.

Life. Alive to dive.
To find the ice
To break the rage
Beneath the age
not the kind of conclusion I have in mind.

turning 22 and looking 18. life doesn't seem like how i expected it to be. i really wonder what went wrong. what is it that i didn't do or did do tt things do not turn out as expected. maybe I am too idealistic. too naive. too wishful-thinking. too much. I can expect all that I want, but if it doesn't happen. it doesn't happen.

what I am feeling is a bottled up emotions of rage and disappointment. rage at the way turned out to be. disappointed at the way turned out not to be. I feel that though the world is spinning but things never progress. it just falls flat.

I used to like to talk alot, but now i detest it so not to squander it. I have this love-hate relationship with everything around me. I love it, yet at the same time I hate it. technically is everything but emotionally is just one thing - myself.

I love and I hate myself at the same time. I really tried to love as much, but consequently it has reverse effects on me.

I guess self-centered is the word to describe. it is like a monster that I keep fighting year after year after year. n i keeps coming back again and again. n that's my life as a sanguine that my world is my world.

but i know.. i need to consciously force myself to be God-centered. to put God first. to pray. to fast often. to go the extra mile to safeguard myself. especially at time when I feel nothing good is coming out of me, n alot of times.. i look down on myself tt I need to look up to God to constantly remind myself who has called me to be. a number 2. never a number 1. a 'behind the scene'. a ghost in the closet. whatever u can name it.

tired? yes. drained? yes. emotionally challenged? yes. give up? no.

well. used to life as it is. I like to ask people... "so how would u describe me?" an awkward pause and silence. as always n I would laugh often abt it. to mask it.

n that every well sums up who I am - an awkward silence. God and others in front. me at the back.

happy? happy. satisfied? satisfied.

cycle 2 is here. time to move on. focus n run.
my dearest elaine aka OB groupmate dropped a nice encouraging facebook mail to encourage me.. and I realised I haven't be blogging at all.

oh well. life is as usual. I forgot how my neighbourhood sounded like and felt like as the sunset. life's good. life's stress. life's bad. life's an enjoyment. in short, I love life despite of all the dramas going on. a little is nice but too much of it, I will need a break.

time to time, I will go to my prayer closet and look for my best friend. to talk abt stuff. have a crazy imaginative session and tonnes of laughter. I like God. He's balance. Like not too silent nor too loud. not too boring nor too colourful. not too serious nor too frivolous. just simply Himself.

oh well. daily I think of people and what's going on with their lives. It makes me want to tell them, "though life really suck big time, but things will get better" *with a smile*

well. 3 more weeks to end of cycle 1. hoping for the best. praying for a breakthrough :D thinking for a great future to come :)
not long ago. Pastor sat me down and went thru a list of things to encourage me. And listening to the things that she mentioned, tear starts to swell and my heart soften.

2009 wasn't a easy year for me. I felt like my dream was like a bubble that burst into thin air when I missed important deadline for my uni application and I realised that I didn't manage to get a placing in local uni. I was really discouraged after so many years of trying and waiting. eventually I didn't get to where I wanted. But circumstances in life, cornered me to make a choice to be happy, to be positive and to be ready to shoulder on responsibilities that noone, not even myself, believe that I can survive the pressure and demands to make it possible.

to see thru the renovation of church. my second new home.

the hot afternoons of meeting agents to view places after places, the early mornings of queuing for building plans, the evening rush to submit application before the office called it a day, the late night to skim thru the coordination of contractors.

day after day, you sleep thinking about the next day and you wake up thinking about the day before. I would say, tt I lost track of time as the days pass.

And I will go to God, to tell Him about everything tt bothered me. my inabilities. my failures. my inexperience. I tell him how much I want to let go as the days go by. But faced with wave after wave of setbacks, I decided to lie by the beach, cling on the sand as the waves punched me on my face, my conscious and my spirit.

I felt tt I am going to lose it all.

But I held on to what I decided in the beginning: "I will never let go, even if I lose everything. because I trust You Lord."

Sometimes, I regret some prayers I made. as prayers are the keys to unlock the doors in our lives. But it will be even a great regret that I never opens those doors, because "unless you are tested, you wouldn't know where you stand - in the fence, on the fence or out of the fence."

But trial and testing has its season. after each season, you come out stronger, better and greater.

And 2010 is gonna be a great year. And I just want to live life well. to live a livable life. Its the beginning of something great that's gonna happen. And the difference between last year and this year, I am gonna be more discipline. And that's an anti-thesis of who I am, but I am gonna try.

1 year. 4 cycles. 240 days of hardwork. working hard is like totally not me. but I didn't set out to me, but to be my Creator. 240 days. I believe it can be done.
my pastor. she is the most amazing person in the world.

one word to describe her: unbelievable :D

thank you pastor for planning the retreat. 2010 is gonna be an awesome yeah.
alright. nowadays there's this lovey dovey atmosphere going around. like every song that i come across, every tv show that i switch to is about love. romance. endearment.

even my dreams. I dreamt of her not just once but a few times, like 5.. i think. the content is explicit, not suitable for underage. only for mature audience only. hahaha. but nevertheless. I'm not gonna be taken back by it. like what my good friend told me, " u had too much MSG the night before, that's why yr brain's playing a fool." oh well.

i'm gonna stay on course. get things done. work things out. have a good vision and goal to accomplish this season. the stretching period is still ongoing. I can feel the drag kicking in, but gonna be enthusiastically receiving it.

I'm just thinking. if I honor my vow, God gonna honor what comes after that vow yeah?

Maybe that's why I feel like I'm under alot of fire and pressure. to get the gist of myself out asap. well. still got one more year to go. I have already burnt the bridge and there's no turning back. I got to move forward and march off. I have the plans, but He has the route to the end.

Sacrifice is nothing without feeling the pain. its gonna gain :D I love my life because got Jesus as my partner.
today slept little and woke up early to head down to church. its been a great year building church with an awesome team of leaders. dedicated and committed. never bow down to challenges and difficulties they face. even though we are walking towards the same goal and aim, but our lives are very distinct. not a single one of us has the same set of trials we need to pass through. but yet we have the same heart. the same desire. the same passion.